see the light.

its been over ten hours.
and it hasn't been much.

i guess you don't know how its like to spend your birthday with no one special.
without the friends you love.
with crying within the first hour of your birthday.
i thought that i could start this off better.
with my chin up.
and be really happy.
but no.
i cannot do this.
birthday is nothing much anyway.
just a day, just a number.

why wish that it would be something so special that you'll rememeber it the rest of your life?
its just an ordinary day that passes by anyway.
i don't know.

even as i'm saying this.
i'm crying.

and the worst is.
i got two slaps in my face.
two reality checks.
that what i most probably needed wouldn't be there.
and leave me lonely and cold.

you of all people should know that this would kill me.

it was like a stab in a back and they twisted the knife deeper in there.
out of all people.
it just had to be you.
trust?
it isn't there anymore.
cause you've given me way too many reasons.
and i can't go on anyway.
if i can't have what i need.
i'll just learn not to.

you're not the only good actor out there.
i've been better.
and you don'tknow me anymore.
so don't claim to.
God will guide me through this.
he will my wipe my tears away.
and he will make me much stronger.
and slowly put up these walla that she tore down just for you.
all for you.
but at least she knows that she will be safe behind these walls.
cause she's just protecting herself.
and not rely on anyone protecting her.

i've learnt how to fall without a safety net.
i've learnt how to accept the full blow.
and i've learnt.
to keep my head up.

i know i'll be more than alright after this.